Did you know nearly every confession in the history of the world has started with the statement, “I was on Netflix and…” Well, here mine goes: I was on Netflix and I’ve started watching The Vampire Diaries. That’s really only half the confession. The other half is I’ve been watching Teen Wolf since it came out last summer.
But it’s not my fault. They just know the formula too well:
Drama + Attractive People + Dangerous Mutations = Kendra’s Dream TV
Well, here are the five life lessons (they are mostly dating tips, but still) that I’ve learned from Teen Wolf and the Vampire Diaries:
1. Your boyfriend is probably a stalker if… a) he finds out where you live. b) he sits outside your window while you sleep for “protection.” c) he knew that you were adopted, before you knew that you were adopted.
2. Before you move into a new town check how many people work for animal control. If they offer 24 hour service you should NOT move there.
3. If you think you have met the love of your life and it turns out they are supernatural, leave them. You haven’t been to college yet. Once you take a few classes in women’s studies you will understand that maybe he is controlling and the fact that he could eat you is feeding into larger issues not just in your relationship, but in the overall pattern of a patriarchal society.
4. Don’t run into situations like you’re special. You aren’t. Maybe instead you should stay at home with a good book and a cup of tea and do what humans do best: avoid issues, be lazy, and forget about the people you’ve fucked over.
5. Silent and brooding can be sexy, but it also might be a trap. Sometimes when people are quiet it means they’re shy, but still have important things to say. And sometimes it means they’re stupid.
With these life lessons under my belt I’m considering making my own tv show about a Faun who has to keep his goat feet a secret from everyone, including the love of his life. (She’ll never go to prom with him if she knows about his heavy hooves!)